Well its Friday!!!!!!!!! It's been quite the week friends. So many moments this week have been heartbreaking, but the majority are lessons on how to respond in crisis. So all in all can't complain, am well, healthy and taking a day at a time. Unpacking the trauma that lead to drug abuse, massive despair and multiple suicide attempts with the first slashing of my left wrist at 18 years old.
Is having faith enough? Well the answer is simply yes!
My distorted education in childhood, made me feel that seeking help was a weakness. Seeking love was a weakness. Being me was a weakness. Being my own person was a weakness.
I mean, always had faith! Faith in God, Faith in those who loved me and faith in the Father, who was supposed to be loving me. My Faith has been rocked time, and time again. In fact I remember like it was yesterday, the multiple times waking up in Hospital after overdosing on sleeping tablets at 18, 19 and thinking why the fuck can't I just die!
You see faith gave me a pathway. To be able to see the light in the darkness. And know deep down, that regardless of the judgement of others, the degrading comments of my character, no matter the personal despair, struggle, cold, loneliness and lack of safety or foundation in life. That someday if I didn't give up, that my mental illness and complete deadness inside would be set free by the angels.
We go to church, can read the bible and pray. But if I have ever learned anything in the nightmare of the last 5 years or trying to get help for the phycological illness preventing any recovery. That praying with your feet as Dr Yusef Saleem said in "Advocating for Youth" - Innocence Project - Really matters.
So I encourage all survivors to keep the faith. And pray with your voice, friends and feet. I know homelessness and I know complete despair and loneliness. And I know being able to let real love inside of us, all though hard can be achieved.
I've suffered so much personal loss since childhood. And recently even the love of my wife, that stopped loving me. But I don't blame her, I was a shit husband. And was not faithful. Or giving her the love that is a basic human right in any relationship. Most of all honesty and respect. But I forgive myself and have found seeking help and letting others in has only helped me awaken by saying sorry and really, really meaning it.
So lets be brave, and give those children who grew up permission to change. Permission to love and most of all permission to seek justice.
Amen Brothers & Sisters