My Letter to Belen - True Love - Real Hero XXXXXX - Trying to Love XXXXXX

Do we really know what O.K looks like? I've found myself feeling incredibly sorry for myself over the past two weeks. And in the process of feeling this, trying to reject it. You may be thinking why? Why do you feel like rejecting a perfectly normal feeling under the circumstances your in? The answer is simple, as in childhood I wasn't aloud to be sad. I had to be happy to endure pain, suffering. For if I showed sadness, I was punished for saying no to an oppressor, parental sex abuser, no one really knows, but they do.

Child abuse and the effects of Human Trafficking have catastrophic consequences for any child or adult. From my lived experience I was a minor. Just a child, even if I was expected to be an adult and deal with adult life experiences from as young as 4 years old.

My best friend Belen, is the most courageous women, equal to my Mother and Grandmother Velma Hope Dawson. I'm afraid friends. I'm so horribly afraid. I cry as I write this, as i cant talk, only write. Its part of not talking only crying in childhood about the problem. I wasn't aloud to say what's wrong, as I was hurt after the Police left. I lost trust in every law enforcement organization, in multiple countries. But instead of resenting everyone for not saving me, "I know in the dark room my child is still hiding in", that its no ones fault apart from John Charles Baines. Born 12th July 1951. The man who was given shelter by the very people he tried to destroy, and by destroy I mean to make them feel worthless, not worthy of the oxygen this beautiful planet gifts to life. So don't worry Law Enforcement, you did the best you could. And all though i am crying writing this, can only hope the various countries start talking and seeing through the expensive smile, big houses, luxury cars and the safety of knowing he can never be touched, because he is a God and the rest are merely humble humans.

- My Note to Belen this morning :)

"You know I am hurting due to a horrible sense of loneliness. I found my head going in circles this morning, perhaps all last night. I woke myself up at 430am screaming, from a nightmare. In fact I had to pause and think,  "IS THIS THE THE FUTURE OR JUST THE PAST TRYING TO ESCAPE ME" - I wanted to wish you a good day. To many times we have made each other feel angry or sad, rather than happy, motivated and most of all loved in our hour of need. - Ops button pressed by mistake, between socks being put on - So -

How do I really feel right now?

Very afraid, scared and terribly alone. I have had to dive into a deep abyss, reaching out to my younger self, who is drowning in a dark corner, afraid, lonely, feeling he's not worthy of being alive, that nobody likes him, that he's going to die. I am crying as I write this, as I can't talk about it. I could only cry, and I feel his pain. A pain on an unimaginable scale...… I questioned at Valentino's age, right from wrong.... Another pause, Valentino is gone on his little scooter, " BYE DAD, I LOVE YOU" - Those words piercing my soul, desperate to get in, though the gatekeeper who holds the key to a light that shines brighter than the brightest star... Doesn't want to let it in.... This door hasn't been greased in a long time, its rusted, stuck and refuses to be opened. Behind that door is hope, honesty, happiness, playful, joyful, funny, courageous, and most of all love. A love that's strong, brave, who believes in his heart that love conquers all. He's tried to come out many times, but each time the Black Crow would swoop down to tell him, to only come out when the bird calls. Till then he must stay behind that door.

I am afraid, afraid of this feeling of unimaginable fear. I've come out before without asking, and it cost me my leg, then the other leg, then the arm, then the other arm. In the end, I couldn't walk on my own. 

So you see, I know I have to walk on my own, because I can only walk this path to the light on my own. But I'm afraid. Simply afraid. It's always been easier to not come out. Just stay in the room, by myself and not let anyone in, because when i tried to scream by crying, no one could see the Black Crow circling above me.

That's me, the kid who never grew up. The kid, who at 41 has to walk out that door. That kid that must muster courage like the brave men who charged the beaches of Normandy. 

Its hard to grow in fear. Very hard to find anyone to confide in or run too. As the abuser puts himself between me and my safety nets. But my spirit endured, seeking the light in everyone. Including my abuser, that's why I kept believing the abusers lies. No matter the abuse, inflicting pain on my young body on purpose. I believed he would change like he said. That he was doing it all for me. That I only needed him.

Not coping provided the abuser with all the reasons to suffocate me, as i resisted the living conditions, subhuman, sexual, emotional, financial, physical abuses / treatment and domination. 

By 15 / 16 years of age, I had no sense of safety, pride or love left in me. I wanted to die. I wanted to go to heaven. Be with the angels. In eternal peace. I read the bible often at school over the years 10 to 14. 

So Belen. I choose sobriety today. To cry a bit more and continue to try and convince myself I'm worthy of safety, happiness and love.

So I want you to be happy, loved and most of all safe.

You can do this, I will struggle, but who wouldn't. I guess I would rather come out of that dark room and be honest, that I'm scared. That I'm sorry i hurt you. As I never wanted too. We have 3 amazing children and we have each other and always will. The problem is me and always has been me. I'm just trapped in a dark room, that I couldn't escape.  My younger self is mustering the courage to believe in help, life and the real goodness in the world. And let someone in, me.

Have a great day and smile. Because I'm alive because of you saving me. You saved a life. And you saved a little boy who had no hope, no dreams, no love. He is grateful you never gave up. Our real life hero. " By Me. A Survivor XXX

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Wow. I have cried more in two days since dropping the box off than I have in 25 years. I just keep crying. I let him go to get help. I just needed to let him get help, to tell his story and believe again, as he did at age 4. That humanity can shine, just for some of us it takes a little longer to shine through the darkness.

To my fellow children who grew up afraid. It's not our fault. Its not your fault. I ask God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit too shine on you always. God is good. And God will be waiting for us with open arms. So!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be brave, Be bold, Be love and most of all Be you. You are not alone and we will take a day at a time if we need to. I give you permission to feel like crap. Its o.k. Love, Love, Love, Love will always win. By Me. The Boy who never grew up. Adam John Baines - 7th March 1980.

P.S - To all humanity. I'm sorry. XXXXXX

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